Did I Miss Something?

This month has been blah. I'm quite sick of the fact that everyone is either changing around me or staying the same and I feel like I'm ready to move on. I'm absolutely done with High School and ready to move on to the college life. I'm so close to finally receiving the independence I've been dreaming about, but there are still obsticles to overcome. From this piont on, I'm just sticking to what I know, what I love, and what will make me a better person in time. I can be heartless at times, I'll admit that. Well, only two more school days and a graduation ceremony to get through and It's all relaxation and enjoying my sweet sexy time. God bless summer.

I believe what I'm trying to get at is that It's time for some change. I'm ready to move to NYC. I can't emphasize that enough, but when you come from a traditional family where, let's face it, change is NOT good....because it changes things....the likelihood of reaching this goal and making everyone happy is slim. There, that's my problem: "Making everyone happy."I realize that I have to think for myself. It's just difficult leaving when your job isn't over yet as an older sibling. If there's one person that I know I'd miss, it's my sister.

Baby Face

Today should have been a Friday, and I'm pretty pissed that it wasn't. Senioritis is getting to everyone and it's pretty obvious. But with only 2.5 weeks of school left I can't help but wonder, "Wow, it's really almost over." We had a graduation rehearsal in the auditorium which meant that I didn't have to go to Halocaust Literature (Which really should have been called Halocaust Cinema because we havn't read a book since january and we're stuck there watching movies every week).

Probably the highlight of my day though was the Yearbook Signing Party. It wasn't the party itself that made my day, but the waiting for 3 hours after school to get into the party and I discovered that if you have a bored group, a pizza, and a Cosmopolitan at hand, the hours just seem to fly by.

I'm just rambling aout my day, yes, but I havn't written in a while. Pretty sleepy, I shall write more later in the month.

NARCISSISM! D:

Haws Legs: n: Short muscular legs that look awful in everything and you wish would go away.

I really do hate shopping. I start off great and I get really into looking for a great top to go with that skirt at home or a beautiful new cardigan. I go through every rack with a determined look in my eyes. I pick out what I like. I go to the dressing room. And I start trying on one thing at a time. And gradually I start to hate myself. I notice every flaw that I couldn't see before.

Usually I'm not like this and I'm thankful for what god has given me. But I see my 6 foot 115lbs sister try on what she likes and...well...i'm jealous. Some people stare at themselves long enough in mirrors that they start loving themselves. (YAY NARCISSISM!) I'm the opposite in the sense that I stare long enough and I start to hate myself. What's wrong with me? I see the world in a way that many don't. I see it in angles, textures, and basically a beauty in everything and everyone. It's the daydreamer in me, but I feel lucky. So my problem is this: If I could see everyone in a beautiful way, why can't I see myself?

Maybe it's just teenagerhood catching up with me or I'm reaching that stage in my life where I hate everything that I am, see, do, etc. Everyone goes through it, and I'm glad it's happening now rather than, for example, when I'm 30-something in the prime of my life working in my dream profession. Get this stage out of the way. I'm going to NYC for college. That is the one place where you can't bring yourself down. Hell, I'm feeling better just writing this whole rant out.

Knit Beanies and Fat Tire

I think I'm gaining weight. I don't like it. I don't like it one bit. The stress is all over and done with for The Princess Bride (Which we had an amazing turnout and I certainly feel like I went out with a bang!) and it's about time that I relax.

At least I've been able to spend time with the ones I love. It's probably the greatest stress reliever of all. My Italian family flew in from North Carolina and Georgia to see me perform and we've been hanging around all weekend. Not to mention the celebrating for Princess Bride.

February in general has been a stressful month. Drama, drama, and more drama. I try my hardest not to bring it upon myself, but it always seems to find a way. But you know what? No matter what the conflict is, there's a way to solve it. The option probably isn't abailable to you, but there's always alternatives. In other words, whatever happens, happens.

A new year of firsts

There's something about waking up in the arms of the one you love to realize that everything is just perfect and right at this moment in time. That all the worries about school or drama between friends or whatever doesn't matter. It's the simple moments that put a smile on your face. And with that, my new years resolution is to live more in the now. Everything was meant to happen for a reason and accept the fact that time will run its course and to enjoy it while you can.

There's so much to look forward to this year! Princess Bride in February, Prom in April, Graduation in May, SUMMER, Starting a new chapter of my life iwith college in a new city come fall, a lot of trasitioning will be happening this year.

So much has happened in the past few weeks. New years and Christmas were biggies. Grandma gave me a ukulele for Christmas and I haven't put the thing down since then. I've spent a lot of time with my friends partying, hooka, jam sessions, and just hanging out. I'm so far very satisfied with my winter break and I think that this is the best start for the new year. Speaking of new years, I believe I had the best one of my life! Usually, I would go with my family to my neighbor's house and be bored the entire night watching new years eve specials by my self on their couch and leave immediately after we're done celebrating the midnight ball drop at Times Square to go talk to my friends on the internet.
This year, however, was my first one to be shared. It was the first time all break where I didn't have to worry about a curfew and that I got to spend with people I knew I would have a great time with. After much dancing, sitting around the fire, hottubbing, ball dropping, kissing, and hanging out around 4 in the morning, I greeted 2010 with open arms. BRING ON THE NEW YEAR!

J'ai des yeux verts

Where are you Christmas? Why can't I find you? Why WON"T YOU GET HERE FAST ENOUGH!?

I hate uneventful days. Like today. It just didn't go by fast enough. It's not a great idea to wish your days away, but my god, Final review packets and watching Fred Claus and Ratatouille over and over again is the worst. I'm just happy that today was the last day of reviewing and we could finally get this show on the road Thursday and Friday.

In other news--
I have so much to memorize this winter break it's not even funny. I have a page and a half of Monologue plus all the lines of Buttercup for Princess Bride. I also have unwanted house guests, several knitting projects to do, and studying. There is not enough hours in my day, that's for sure.

I swear, I'm just going to go crazy this break and do all that I want to do.
Bonfires, hubbly bubbly, Christmas, partying
Let's go crazy.

Je me demande...

It wasn't one of the greatest of days. Someone says they're impressed with your work and to not change a thing. You get so proud that you show it to another person and it turns out there's improvement. I put this on repeat for the past few days. From the essays to the projects, I cannot emphasize the constant changes to be made for that "perfect grade" for that "perfect student". It's a lot more work than one thinks. And pressure isn't good for a sicky.

I feel like I'm going downhill. I'm not and I have a good excuse, but it's getting harder and harder to keep up with finals just around the corner. I just wish I could start over. I wish I didn't get mono. It's so hard to take one step at a time and keep up with everyone.

I'm thankful for my friends. They just seem to be my stress reliever now. But how often do I get to see them? Classrooms and passing classes aren't exactly the best places to relax and enjoy the company. I need to learn to relax again. I could feel that uptight worrying me coming back. I would ask for a break, but that doesn't seem to be the answer.

I miss the old times. And by old times I mean July through October. God, why did I have to get sick? Staying out late, parties, Truth or Dare?, Repo, Sonic, dancing, singing, romance, Hubbly Bubbly, Mill Ave, and theatre. I tend to say my summer lasted 4 weeks. 2 weeks in Germany, 2 weeks before school started. I'm starting to forget the rest. I love the feeling of starting off new in the school year, everything is beginning to settle. I thrive in constant energy and motion.

Lazy and uninspired is no way to go through life. This isn't me, but I have no choice but to face it now. Fuck you too, mono.

Today I had an anxiety attack. Lasted a long time too. It's this sick feeling in your stomach that stays there all day long and in one second your heart starts racing and you feel like fainting on the spot. Damn auditions. Once again, nervous, scared me is coming out. I think I'm just afriad of wasted work and disappointment.

I feel like an ass for just complaining on the internet. But god does it feel good to just write down whatever comes to your mind.