Love Actually

Today was much needed. I've successfully had an unsuccessful day by watching my favorite romantic comedies (Bridget Jones, Love Actually...etc), eating a jar of Nutella, and enjoying a visit from boyfriend. (There really needs to be a new word for boyfriend if their already in their twenties. And man-friend is too awkward to say and sounds like a nickname for a dog, and guy-friend is too casual) I've had the last three days off from work, (which was also much needed, considering 35 hr work week last week and black Friday) and spent the last few days actually doing my homework, having a ladies night, and hanging around the house decorating for Christmas.

What else is new in my life? Recently, I won a scholarship (finally) for the college I'm going to right now, because NYC didn't work out this year. Which also means that I'll be doing a study abroad next June in the beautiful city of Prague!

I've been dreaming all my life to do a student exchange or a study abroad while i was in college and now ITS FINALLY HAPPENING! It's only for a month, but honestly that's all the time that I need. ( I unfortunately get homesick too easy, even though I try to seem more independent than I actually am).

Hipocracy

In times of stress, I find writing my main outlet.

I just got off the phone with my boyfriend, who's sweet enough to support anything that I feel like doing. This week it has been Roller Derby.

When I was little, my family and our neighbors went to a friend's roller derby match. It was definitely a culture shock, but my god did I have a good time. Unfortunately I was the only one that did. Parents didn't approve too much of watching women beat each other on the track. Did I want to do that at the time? Heck no, those girls could break me, and I was like 10 or something, and I just shoved the into a memory, not a wish.

Recently I watched a movie called Whip It! and it got me thinking again. Now, I'm a fan of any sport that allows beating like Rugby or Hockey. So as I was watching this I thought to myself, now there's a sport that's for chicks AND I get to beat people. THIS IS AWESOME. Boyfriend hasn't been to a roller derby match, so I got in contact with the daughter of the friend who was in that match from forever ago and she gave me the poster from the website about the championship match. But, we weren't able to go.

Last night, Boyfriend went to a concert and who was at that concert, but THE ROLLER DERBY TEAM, saying that they were holding try-outs for next season. In the middle of talking to him on the phone this morning, mother walks in and asks what we were talking about. I said, "We were talking about trying out for the Roller Derby team." Her face sunk, her eyes got wide, and I got a firm "No, Aila. That's gutter." I really didn't know what to make of that. "Don't let him drag you into the gutter." I just can't believe how hypocritical she was being. This was the woman I looked up to for guidance and whom I thought a woman should be.

I really hate choosing sides. It's simply something that isn't in my nature. I also don't see people as gutter or rich snobs. What i'm trying to say here is that we have one life that's way too short to be worrying about social class, staying true to a certain group, or trying to be the perfect ideal person. Dye your hair pink, backpack across Europe, and go make a stand... I just wish I was brave enough to take my own advice.

Recovery

It's true what they say about high school, "Enjoy it while it lasts because everything changes when you graduate." And my world was turned upside down.

The night of graduation was nothing but partying, drinking, smoking, dancing, and celebrating this new chapter in our lives and entering the adult world. This lasted about three days: Celebrating, saying our goodbyes, and enjoying the beginning of summer.
Everything was going as I imagined, until about 4 days in.

I wasn't looking forward to having my tonsils removed that Wednesday, I knew that it would take a lot out of me to recover from the physical pain. So I wanted to spend as much time as I could with my loved ones before I went into the dreaded recovering state. It came from nowhere, and I didn't know what to make of it. But what happened next was a blur. I felt my tears running down my cheeks for 3 days. I granted him too much. I hated myself for acting this way. It was the one thing that I despise most in the world: Pathetic. Throughout my life, I was raised to be strong, independent, and I refused to let anyone take me down.

"You come from a long line of strong and beautiful women, Aila. Don't let any man or woman make you feel less."

This is why I didn't tell anyone for three weeks after it happened. The last thing I needed was everyone's pity. The only people that knew were my parents. I didn't know who to hate, I didn't know why it happened, I didn't know how to feel, and I hated myself for it. And as I recovered from the physical pain of the tonsilectomy and I switched from codine to tylenol, reality hit me like a slap in the face. Not only was I recovering physically, but emotionally I was numb. That Saturday kept replaying in my mind over and over and over, again and again. I thought about it so much, that I started picking apart at the reality of the situation. I compared what I had with successful and unsuccessful couples in my life. I've come to this conslusion about love:

-Love really is a bitch. You never know what it's going to do. It could either stab you in the heart, or it can make it grow. And it's unbelievable how many people risk it all.
-Love is when you always want to be with eachother. You can't stand being apart from them and would be willing to make sacrifices to be with that person.
-Time doesn't matter.

And with that, I found the strength to hold my head a little higher. I have to move on, human nature expects me to. And hopefully getting out of this hellhole will take my mind off of things and open myself to something more. Knowing that I'm able to write this out shows how much I've healed as it is. My heart still feels like it's been used, but I'm finding an outlet through my friends.

A kiss
A cuddle
A smile
A lie

It's been fun. Thanks for the memories.

Did I Miss Something?

This month has been blah. I'm quite sick of the fact that everyone is either changing around me or staying the same and I feel like I'm ready to move on. I'm absolutely done with High School and ready to move on to the college life. I'm so close to finally receiving the independence I've been dreaming about, but there are still obsticles to overcome. From this piont on, I'm just sticking to what I know, what I love, and what will make me a better person in time. I can be heartless at times, I'll admit that. Well, only two more school days and a graduation ceremony to get through and It's all relaxation and enjoying my sweet sexy time. God bless summer.

I believe what I'm trying to get at is that It's time for some change. I'm ready to move to NYC. I can't emphasize that enough, but when you come from a traditional family where, let's face it, change is NOT good....because it changes things....the likelihood of reaching this goal and making everyone happy is slim. There, that's my problem: "Making everyone happy."I realize that I have to think for myself. It's just difficult leaving when your job isn't over yet as an older sibling. If there's one person that I know I'd miss, it's my sister.

Baby Face

Today should have been a Friday, and I'm pretty pissed that it wasn't. Senioritis is getting to everyone and it's pretty obvious. But with only 2.5 weeks of school left I can't help but wonder, "Wow, it's really almost over." We had a graduation rehearsal in the auditorium which meant that I didn't have to go to Halocaust Literature (Which really should have been called Halocaust Cinema because we havn't read a book since january and we're stuck there watching movies every week).

Probably the highlight of my day though was the Yearbook Signing Party. It wasn't the party itself that made my day, but the waiting for 3 hours after school to get into the party and I discovered that if you have a bored group, a pizza, and a Cosmopolitan at hand, the hours just seem to fly by.

I'm just rambling aout my day, yes, but I havn't written in a while. Pretty sleepy, I shall write more later in the month.

NARCISSISM! D:

Haws Legs: n: Short muscular legs that look awful in everything and you wish would go away.

I really do hate shopping. I start off great and I get really into looking for a great top to go with that skirt at home or a beautiful new cardigan. I go through every rack with a determined look in my eyes. I pick out what I like. I go to the dressing room. And I start trying on one thing at a time. And gradually I start to hate myself. I notice every flaw that I couldn't see before.

Usually I'm not like this and I'm thankful for what god has given me. But I see my 6 foot 115lbs sister try on what she likes and...well...i'm jealous. Some people stare at themselves long enough in mirrors that they start loving themselves. (YAY NARCISSISM!) I'm the opposite in the sense that I stare long enough and I start to hate myself. What's wrong with me? I see the world in a way that many don't. I see it in angles, textures, and basically a beauty in everything and everyone. It's the daydreamer in me, but I feel lucky. So my problem is this: If I could see everyone in a beautiful way, why can't I see myself?

Maybe it's just teenagerhood catching up with me or I'm reaching that stage in my life where I hate everything that I am, see, do, etc. Everyone goes through it, and I'm glad it's happening now rather than, for example, when I'm 30-something in the prime of my life working in my dream profession. Get this stage out of the way. I'm going to NYC for college. That is the one place where you can't bring yourself down. Hell, I'm feeling better just writing this whole rant out.

Knit Beanies and Fat Tire

I think I'm gaining weight. I don't like it. I don't like it one bit. The stress is all over and done with for The Princess Bride (Which we had an amazing turnout and I certainly feel like I went out with a bang!) and it's about time that I relax.

At least I've been able to spend time with the ones I love. It's probably the greatest stress reliever of all. My Italian family flew in from North Carolina and Georgia to see me perform and we've been hanging around all weekend. Not to mention the celebrating for Princess Bride.

February in general has been a stressful month. Drama, drama, and more drama. I try my hardest not to bring it upon myself, but it always seems to find a way. But you know what? No matter what the conflict is, there's a way to solve it. The option probably isn't abailable to you, but there's always alternatives. In other words, whatever happens, happens.

A new year of firsts

There's something about waking up in the arms of the one you love to realize that everything is just perfect and right at this moment in time. That all the worries about school or drama between friends or whatever doesn't matter. It's the simple moments that put a smile on your face. And with that, my new years resolution is to live more in the now. Everything was meant to happen for a reason and accept the fact that time will run its course and to enjoy it while you can.

There's so much to look forward to this year! Princess Bride in February, Prom in April, Graduation in May, SUMMER, Starting a new chapter of my life iwith college in a new city come fall, a lot of trasitioning will be happening this year.

So much has happened in the past few weeks. New years and Christmas were biggies. Grandma gave me a ukulele for Christmas and I haven't put the thing down since then. I've spent a lot of time with my friends partying, hooka, jam sessions, and just hanging out. I'm so far very satisfied with my winter break and I think that this is the best start for the new year. Speaking of new years, I believe I had the best one of my life! Usually, I would go with my family to my neighbor's house and be bored the entire night watching new years eve specials by my self on their couch and leave immediately after we're done celebrating the midnight ball drop at Times Square to go talk to my friends on the internet.
This year, however, was my first one to be shared. It was the first time all break where I didn't have to worry about a curfew and that I got to spend with people I knew I would have a great time with. After much dancing, sitting around the fire, hottubbing, ball dropping, kissing, and hanging out around 4 in the morning, I greeted 2010 with open arms. BRING ON THE NEW YEAR!