I Feel Like the Fucking Kid

It's the classic out of my control I'm under 21 bullshit that one encounters when all you want to do is go out with your friends, but you're not allowed to due to your age. (I'm pretty sure I have bitched about this before).

Tonight was a going away/birthday party for a close friend of mine who turned 23. We went bowling to start off the night. Now I've been looking forward to tonight all week, I wanted to see my friend before she moved away. Not to mention that I don't go out as much as I used to, so being invited to ANY event is a huge deal.

Anyway, we bowl for about two hours (I sucked both games). I'm having an awesome time and would probably be there all night if I could. Well, with any birthday over your 21st, one has to go to more than just one place. So naturally everyone 21 and up wanted to go to the bar. I pretty much broke down crying after everyone left and called my boyfriend (Yeah, I call my boyfriend because I feel like I don't have a best friend to cry to...so my boyfriend is my best friend...you know what I mean) Now I'm just sobbing on the phone and disclosing every single thing I'm upset about at this very moment: Best friend is moving, I can't fucking go anywhere, I'm working shitty shifts all next week, my pending grades (Which I have to brag for a second and tell you that I got all A's :)), and how I'm horrible at keeping friendships.

He told me something that I do need to take more seriously. That everyone has been through this situation, and that I need to stop comparing myself to others.

I do hate to admit it but it's true. I try to come off as this independent and strong women, when in reality I do compare myself to my other salespeople, students, professionals, etc. I need to learn to appreciate my own strengths. I also need to accept that my time definitely will come. I need to keep in contact with my friends, I need to get shit done before NYC, I need to do so much that I'm stressing the hell out about it, which is probably the reason why I broke down and decided to call.

Done now, see you when my next breakdown happens.

The Showgirl Inside Me

At the end of every day, which for me involves a part-time job, a full-time student schedule, and various other activities, there is one thing that ends my perfect day before I go to bed. I do the usual: combing my hair and washing my face. But the equivalent of coming home from a long day and kicking your shoes off infront of the television is when I'm in the middle of changing into my pajamas and I take off my bra. I really don't mean to sound weird. (Actually, I do). But to my all female followers of this blog (Which I'm sure anyway you don't read), give it a try. There's something magical about relieving the body of any kind of restrainst (shoes, bras, etc.) Or if you already agree with me, share your thoughts. Underwire may be an amazing invention, but it gets to a point when there simply needs to be some breathing room.

Am considering going back to my old routine: feminist friday.

Also reading the Delta of Venus, which gave me a little inspiration to write about my boobs.

http://seriesofhopes.files.wordpress.com/2008/12/nin-anais-delta-of-venus.pdf

Also still studying the art of Burlesque. I now have such idols such as Dita von Teese, Veronica Varlow, Michelle L'Amour, and Jo "Boobs" Weldon. All of them such beautiful women whom I hope to perform with someday.

Wallabee

Such a fun word. Wallabee.

Quite the adventure today. And oddly enough, it didn't start off in my car. Instead, I went for a bike ride. I haven't ridden my bike in months due to the hot summer Arizona hell-storm that is summer. So it was very nice to finally hop back on that rickety POS that is my cheap Wal-mart cruiser. Even though it feels like its going to fall apart at any moment, it has a certain charm about it.

It's a boy's bike, but I really didn't care about the gender of the bike only because I liked the color. It's a bit of a gay hipster, but beautiful anyway. And when I ride it, I love hearing all the little squeaks, clicks, and grinds while I pass under the shaded trees and feel the wind on my face. It is probably the most relaxing way to do a cardio exercise.

My day consisted of costumes, beautiful stringed instruments, and working. Lots of working. My feet hurt so badly that they are having their own cramps. Not to mention all the noobs at work whom I have to hold their hand and stay 30 minutes after my shift is supposed to end to teach them for the 7th time how to close a register. It's all good though. I'll hold the hands of ten different seasonal noobs to get me through the retail hell that is Christmas and survive yet another year.

9 more months till New York. Will it be a boy or a girl?

Lunchtime!

Hanging with the men of the household. Dad and dog. We're installing a TV. Well, he is, I'm sitting here on the computer watching him do all this. I love moments like these. Just chillin' and listening to music. These past few weeks have just been Rush! Go! Rush! It's been pretty busy. I'm glad that I get to spend some time with my dad though. :)

I've also been working every single night. And I'm coming down with a cold. :( But that really doesn't stop me from going out at night. I went out with my friend last night and afterward went to wonderful boyfriend's house. We watched Arrested Development and cuddled. It's really an amazing and well-written show. If you haven't seen it yet, then go and watch it RIGHT NOW.

So, I've been listening to the radio the entire time I've been writing this. And this song called Love in America comes on. I just have to say that the lyrics, "Come on and shake your money maker!" shouldn't be sung like you're on a freaking episode of Barney. I await the day children are quoting what they've heard of Radio Disney and are singing, "Come on and shake your money maker." while skipping on their way to kindergarten.

I was just browsing through the little "extras" that google has to offer for its customers, and I came across the "make your own website" option. I gave it some thought and figured it would be pretty cool, but then I realized that I barely get on this, so there wouldn't really be any point.

Well, going to work and then to a cast party. I need some fun. :)

Uninvited

This summer, I had the grand opportunity to accomplish one of my many life-long dreams. I went to Prague for a fabulous study abroad. I studied Intercultural Communications and International Business. I was taking weekend excursions to Vienna, Austria and Germany. I was in a continent where I could buy alcohol without getting carded.

So why is it that I'm sitting alone in my house on a Saturday night reminiscing about my summer?

Because once again, I didn't fit in. I don't fit in. I'm sitting here watching my dog snore and staring blankly at my report that's due next week that I absolutely loathe. (Yes, I'm procrastinating). I'm sitting home alone feeling sorry for myself because during that entire month I stayed in that dorm, living my dream, I couldn't make one friend. That's right. As hard as I tried, and as hard as I tried to stay in contact, I'm still the outcast and I'm still unaccepted into their little bullshit group. There was a reunion party tonight that I just found out about with people from all three of the colleges going, and I wasn't invited.

There's nothing really exciting in my life right now. The only thing I really have to look forward to is moving out in A YEAR. But for now, I feel like I just waste the days away working and going to school. I watch the people around me actually doing things with their lives right now while I just keep telling myself, "Don't worry your time will come." Today I went to a play, and I was introduced to some really interesting people that have really interesting jobs in the theater community and I was asked the question that I hate most, "So what do you do?" What is it exactly that I do? "Oh I just wish time away till I could actually do something." is what I wish I could say. Or, "Oh, I just go to community college because my financial aid fell through, I work as a cashier, and I watch the people around me do really amazing things with their happy lives." Well, I must say that I've actually made 2 or 3 new friends since the last time I bitched on this blog. I need a hobby.

Hipocracy pt. II

Wonderful boyfriend wonderfully told me that his wonderful band is going to be in a wonderful concert at the end of this wonderful month. Unfortunately, the concert is located out of my usual vicinity which presents a problem on my behalf. Having old-fashioned parents has it's ups and downs. We eat dinner as a family, we sew, we go for long walks and bike-rides, we support one another, etc. But when it comes to breaking out of the traditional norm and trying new things, making new friends and attempting to embrace my youth while I still acceptably can, they freak out and start with the name-calling, labeling, and all of this other bull shit. It feels like two parts of my life can't be in harmony and I'm currently having a nervous breakdown. I'm going through enough funks as it is (uninspired, working too much, lack of a social life as it is, etc) and having this is just the fuckin' cherry on top. I'm not involved in much, my friends are moving on with their lives, and I'm still stuck here in the middle of the desert. They would be willing to set me loose in a foreign country for an entire month, but not let me have an adventure in my own home state for one night with people that they actually know.

Lucid Dreaming

I've done it everyone. I can't believe I haven't done it before, but I have now done it. I can now lucid dream my (extremely rare) "dreams of extreme passion". I can't saw that I could control what I see in the dream, but how i feel. It was a very new experience. I don't know why I'm blogging this (actually I do) because lately that has been the most exciting thing that's happened. (Sad, I'm quite aware).

In other news, I'm fighting this illness that's kept me from doing anything for the past two weeks. I'm starting to feel like a human again, and I'm able to go to work now, but good god I hate being sick... I'm just repeating my rants from last October 2009.

Anyways, I was put on the spot in work today. Didn't know that Haitians spoke French. So when I had a Haitian family figure out that I spoke French, they didn't hesitate to start picking on my accent and whatnot. But the thing that bothered me the most was that I had a lot of trouble picking up my vocabulary. I need to start studying the language again because I'm not using it as often as I should. Practice makes perfect. Although perfect is pretty much unattainable, I really should be practicing more.