Uninvited

This summer, I had the grand opportunity to accomplish one of my many life-long dreams. I went to Prague for a fabulous study abroad. I studied Intercultural Communications and International Business. I was taking weekend excursions to Vienna, Austria and Germany. I was in a continent where I could buy alcohol without getting carded.

So why is it that I'm sitting alone in my house on a Saturday night reminiscing about my summer?

Because once again, I didn't fit in. I don't fit in. I'm sitting here watching my dog snore and staring blankly at my report that's due next week that I absolutely loathe. (Yes, I'm procrastinating). I'm sitting home alone feeling sorry for myself because during that entire month I stayed in that dorm, living my dream, I couldn't make one friend. That's right. As hard as I tried, and as hard as I tried to stay in contact, I'm still the outcast and I'm still unaccepted into their little bullshit group. There was a reunion party tonight that I just found out about with people from all three of the colleges going, and I wasn't invited.

There's nothing really exciting in my life right now. The only thing I really have to look forward to is moving out in A YEAR. But for now, I feel like I just waste the days away working and going to school. I watch the people around me actually doing things with their lives right now while I just keep telling myself, "Don't worry your time will come." Today I went to a play, and I was introduced to some really interesting people that have really interesting jobs in the theater community and I was asked the question that I hate most, "So what do you do?" What is it exactly that I do? "Oh I just wish time away till I could actually do something." is what I wish I could say. Or, "Oh, I just go to community college because my financial aid fell through, I work as a cashier, and I watch the people around me do really amazing things with their happy lives." Well, I must say that I've actually made 2 or 3 new friends since the last time I bitched on this blog. I need a hobby.

Hipocracy pt. II

Wonderful boyfriend wonderfully told me that his wonderful band is going to be in a wonderful concert at the end of this wonderful month. Unfortunately, the concert is located out of my usual vicinity which presents a problem on my behalf. Having old-fashioned parents has it's ups and downs. We eat dinner as a family, we sew, we go for long walks and bike-rides, we support one another, etc. But when it comes to breaking out of the traditional norm and trying new things, making new friends and attempting to embrace my youth while I still acceptably can, they freak out and start with the name-calling, labeling, and all of this other bull shit. It feels like two parts of my life can't be in harmony and I'm currently having a nervous breakdown. I'm going through enough funks as it is (uninspired, working too much, lack of a social life as it is, etc) and having this is just the fuckin' cherry on top. I'm not involved in much, my friends are moving on with their lives, and I'm still stuck here in the middle of the desert. They would be willing to set me loose in a foreign country for an entire month, but not let me have an adventure in my own home state for one night with people that they actually know.

Lucid Dreaming

I've done it everyone. I can't believe I haven't done it before, but I have now done it. I can now lucid dream my (extremely rare) "dreams of extreme passion". I can't saw that I could control what I see in the dream, but how i feel. It was a very new experience. I don't know why I'm blogging this (actually I do) because lately that has been the most exciting thing that's happened. (Sad, I'm quite aware).

In other news, I'm fighting this illness that's kept me from doing anything for the past two weeks. I'm starting to feel like a human again, and I'm able to go to work now, but good god I hate being sick... I'm just repeating my rants from last October 2009.

Anyways, I was put on the spot in work today. Didn't know that Haitians spoke French. So when I had a Haitian family figure out that I spoke French, they didn't hesitate to start picking on my accent and whatnot. But the thing that bothered me the most was that I had a lot of trouble picking up my vocabulary. I need to start studying the language again because I'm not using it as often as I should. Practice makes perfect. Although perfect is pretty much unattainable, I really should be practicing more.

Fascinating Adventures in a World of Darkness

Disclaimer: This post is not me being emotional. On the contrary, it's me being a complete fuckin' nerd.

I've been needing a vacation for a very long time. That's pretty much all I did when I was little because (back in the day) schools were lenient, and I took vacations with my family all the time. But these days it's just been work and school. But that all changed this weekend. I didn't go anywhere, but it's how I spent all my free time that made it amazing. I spent the entire two days I had with my boyfriend house-sitting and pretty much playing house while my family was camping. I couldn't have asked for a better time. Sometimes all you need is a few glasses of wine, a record player, and a little Adventure Time with your loved ones. I'll admit it, I'm a pretty simple creature.

In other news, a recent video game addiction I've been having is Kirby's Epic Yarn (Specifically in 2 player mode). Firstly: It doesn't piss me off. Which is pretty important. Secondly: 2-player mode actually contains TEAMWORK. Which seems to be such a strange concept with my collection of video games. I'm just used to killing the other person or making them eat my dust in a damn good race. Anyway, I highly recommend. It's amazing and I couldn't be more in love with the concept.

A Breath of Fresh Air

I'm not going to lie, but December was shit.

Work, finals, you know the usual drill. I just had these off and on depressions where everything just seemed like the same old thing. Granted, Christmas was great, I got a gorgeous record player. It's just that I'm ready to get back into the swing of things and start school once again.

But on December 31st, 2010, everything changed. I felt like how a 19 year old on New Years Eve should feel like. Who knew that a punk rock concert, some old and new friends, the love of my life, and my own personal bottle of Cabernet could fix that December funk that I was in. I'm so proud to say that I spent my new years right and I'm very much looking forward to 2011, because let's face it...2010 kindof sucked.

I would also like to post my new years resolutions as well:

Firstly: Learn to cook. Yeah, 19 and still cannot cook for the life of me. Simply put: I was never taught. It was just one of those things that I cast aside and never bothered to learn. Granted I could make the standard Ramen, Grilled Cheese, and basic college dorm food. It is just the reassurance that I would be able to survive on my own for whenever I move out.

Secondly: Write more. Which is pretty generic of me to say, but it's the truth. I've been on writer's block with my current novel for a good three or so months. I'll confess that it is due to a lack of inspiration (and a small addiction to Zelda and Sims 3). But today my boyfriend told me something which made me rethink the way I've been neglecting this skill, (and I cannot quote him word for word at the moment) but he basically told me to practice writing every single day. How are you going to be good at something if you don't practice? Even if its something little like a diary entry, a short story, or working on your novel. Thus, I am inspired again because he's right. I don't have to be working on just that novel. Hell, just as long as I write I'll be satisfied. Writing this out now has been clearing my head and getting me to focus again.

Anyway, I wish everyone a wonderful new year. And I have one more announcement to make:

So far I've treated this blog with monthly updates, but starting now for 2011 and to go with my new years resolution, I'll be updating and utilizing this site more often. So no more once a month posts.

Love Actually

Today was much needed. I've successfully had an unsuccessful day by watching my favorite romantic comedies (Bridget Jones, Love Actually...etc), eating a jar of Nutella, and enjoying a visit from boyfriend. (There really needs to be a new word for boyfriend if their already in their twenties. And man-friend is too awkward to say and sounds like a nickname for a dog, and guy-friend is too casual) I've had the last three days off from work, (which was also much needed, considering 35 hr work week last week and black Friday) and spent the last few days actually doing my homework, having a ladies night, and hanging around the house decorating for Christmas.

What else is new in my life? Recently, I won a scholarship (finally) for the college I'm going to right now, because NYC didn't work out this year. Which also means that I'll be doing a study abroad next June in the beautiful city of Prague!

I've been dreaming all my life to do a student exchange or a study abroad while i was in college and now ITS FINALLY HAPPENING! It's only for a month, but honestly that's all the time that I need. ( I unfortunately get homesick too easy, even though I try to seem more independent than I actually am).

Hipocracy

In times of stress, I find writing my main outlet.

I just got off the phone with my boyfriend, who's sweet enough to support anything that I feel like doing. This week it has been Roller Derby.

When I was little, my family and our neighbors went to a friend's roller derby match. It was definitely a culture shock, but my god did I have a good time. Unfortunately I was the only one that did. Parents didn't approve too much of watching women beat each other on the track. Did I want to do that at the time? Heck no, those girls could break me, and I was like 10 or something, and I just shoved the into a memory, not a wish.

Recently I watched a movie called Whip It! and it got me thinking again. Now, I'm a fan of any sport that allows beating like Rugby or Hockey. So as I was watching this I thought to myself, now there's a sport that's for chicks AND I get to beat people. THIS IS AWESOME. Boyfriend hasn't been to a roller derby match, so I got in contact with the daughter of the friend who was in that match from forever ago and she gave me the poster from the website about the championship match. But, we weren't able to go.

Last night, Boyfriend went to a concert and who was at that concert, but THE ROLLER DERBY TEAM, saying that they were holding try-outs for next season. In the middle of talking to him on the phone this morning, mother walks in and asks what we were talking about. I said, "We were talking about trying out for the Roller Derby team." Her face sunk, her eyes got wide, and I got a firm "No, Aila. That's gutter." I really didn't know what to make of that. "Don't let him drag you into the gutter." I just can't believe how hypocritical she was being. This was the woman I looked up to for guidance and whom I thought a woman should be.

I really hate choosing sides. It's simply something that isn't in my nature. I also don't see people as gutter or rich snobs. What i'm trying to say here is that we have one life that's way too short to be worrying about social class, staying true to a certain group, or trying to be the perfect ideal person. Dye your hair pink, backpack across Europe, and go make a stand... I just wish I was brave enough to take my own advice.